Today, I Got This

I got this. This mantra has played over and over in my mind for nearly a decade. It has gotten me through some rough days, endless nights and was a means to an end in sight. There is no doubt that 75% of the time, I most certainly did not have this, but as long as I kept telling myself I was in control, then I could fake it enough so I believed it.

I was that mother- the one that thought she could, and somehow miraculously was, doing it all. I was putting all my efforts into a career, I volunteered with the school PTA and community groups, I taxied the children to activities 5+ times a week while keeping the day-to-day operations of our home successful. But like everything that isn’t sustainable, two months ago I crashed- boy did I fall down hard. And it was then, that we made a decision that now really has me questioning my identity, my life motives- and frankly, everything I believed I could be up until today.

Today truthfully has been years in the making. Because today, I will stop struggling to put my career first, to perfect motherhood and be the poster-face of someone that can do it all. Today I will be content with walking away to just be a Mom for a little while.

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The complete irony is that my mantra is stuck on repeat even louder than ever. This is what we need- I got this. But I have this little voice that has me questioning what if I’m not cut out to be full-time Mom material??! What am I going to do when I can’t drown my overwhelming emotions in my career? My husband keeps trying to assure me that a career break will be great for our family, for myself and for us as a couple. And all I can think is- if I’m doing a mediocre job parenting part-time up until today, how on earth am I going to be successful at it around the clock!?

I really don’t know either- but for the first time in eight years, I’ve realized that I need to try. Phew- I got this.